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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Boxes

It's a well known fact amongst our family and close friends that Jamey and I are infertile. We have tried for most of our 8 year marriage to have a baby, rather unsuccesfully...but it's been fun trying! 3 1/2 years ago we became parents to a tiny, wonderful little girl instantly! Totally unexpected was our entrance into the world of parenthood! We went to bed DINKS (Double income, no kids as some of our friends laughingly referred to us) and woke up parents to a 2 day old baby girl. We were terrified and thrilled all at once. A little different than we had planned for sure, but who is complaining? For the last year and a half or so we have made our last foray into the world of baby making with rounds of hormones and fertility drugs, but recently made the decision to be thankful for the joy that we get from our darling girl and to stop the 'madness.'


I truly believed that I had accepted and come to terms with the fact that I might not be a mama to a bunch of wild children tugging at my pant leg, and then while cleaning out the garage that last box full of baby toys and odds and ends emerged. (We have loaned out, handed off, and given back the loaned baby stuff we had) We never unpacked that little box when we were stationed here 2 years ago. There was no reason to. Jamey hefted up this box full of little rattles, bibs and squeaky chew toys and tried to put in the car, and I had a complete meltdown. I ran and snatched the box out of his hands and started screaming "That's not for the Goodwill!!! You can't get rid of that box!!!!" while sobbing hysterically. My sweet husband was completely stunned. All he could say was "Umm.....so you want to keep that box??? We can keep it....you want me to put it back??" while approaching me like he would a wild animal to hug me. I don't know why but I'm just not ready to let go of that box...yes it's just a box, no I'm not terribly sentimental. I am the gal that once tried to cut up her wedding dress to make tutu's out of the tulle much to the astonishment of my friend Terry. It's just a dress and I realize it's just a box full of junk...but right now that box stays in the garage until some future date when I feel ready to let it go. I'm completely happy being Alyssa's mom, I truly have no great desire to be pregnant. The morning sickness, stories of stretch marks, swollen ankles, uncontrollable gas, bladder urgency ect. (ok ok so I already have a few of those!) truly don't appeal to me at all. I'm super happy to let someone else do all that for me. It's the being a mama that I love, it's the idea that my little girl won't have the relationship that I have with my sister (who is my best friend) and my brothers. The late night talks she'll miss out on while you are suppose to be sleeping, the sneaking downstairs on Christmas with your siblings and gazing at the gifts. The fighting and the bickering that goes along with all that sibling loving! That's what I get sad about from time to time. I suppose that's what that box symbolizes to me. So for now I'm sealing that box back up and leaving it where it is. One day I'll be ready to let it go, but that day is not today.....

2 comments:

Mommyto3andahusky said...

Thanks for following my blog. Your post broke my heart but your daughter is just adorable. Your blog is just so cute. I love your quilts. My Mom is a big quilter. She has that huge quilter machine that quilts them when your done sewing them. Whatever its called. I just know its a beast and takes up an entire room. :) AND your a military wife. :) I used to be a military wife. So I am super supportive of military wives! :) Love Love Love your blog! I am adding your blog to my blog roll!

Lauren said...

Angie you better hold on to that box! Because you never know what may happen. I would keep it too! So gracious of you, though, to be thankful and happy with the sweet little girl that ya'll have! She is precious! And she is lucky to have you for a Mommy too!